Relationship: Using the Past to Predict the Future

Gaining perspective on our relationships, both past and present, can be difficult. For one thing, being intimately involved in a friendship or love affair generally means we lack the benefit of objectivity — a neutral, detached or outside perspective. We’re too close to the action and emotion, operating too much out of instinct and habit, to have a clear view of the dynamic unfolding between ourselves and the other person. Furthermore, many of us gravitate toward certain types of people and relationships without considering why — what it is about that personality type or relationship dynamic that draws us in again and again.
If your relationships tend to be mutually fulfilling and long-lasting, you may not feel the need to look into your past or try to predict the future of your connections. But if you have noticed a pattern of unhealthy or unsatisfying friendships or love affairs — perhaps you don’t feel heard or respected by the other person; perhaps you have to do more than your fair share of work to keep the connection afloat; or perhaps you just aren’t having much fun — take it as a sign that it’s time to look more closely into what is occurring and why.

Often, the best place to begin looking is the past. While many people might argue that we must leave the past behind and continue progressing into the future, sometimes there are issues from our pasts that must be understood, processed and set to rest before we can truly move forward. Once you gain a clearer view of your past relationships with family members, friends and lovers, you can become more realistic about your present and future connections with other people. That, in turn, will enable you to predict the future of your relationships more accurately, almost as soon as you become involved in a new one.
Following are some signs that can signal a relationship that may not be fulfilling or successful in the long run. As you read, consider these signs in light of past friendships or love affairs that went sour. Which, if any, of the following signs describe that relationship? Take note of them to determine whether they can provide a clear picture of why the relationship did not work out.
Once you have completed this retrospective work, it is helpful to consider these same signs again, only this time, review them in light of a newer friendship or romance in which you’ve become involved. If the same red flags pop up in your current relationships that affected your connections from long ago, this could be a sign that you have unwittingly developed an unhealthy pattern. Eventually, you will begin to remember these signs on your own; they will take root in your mind as red flags that remind you to maintain a certain distance and proceed with caution, rather than jumping wholeheartedly into a new connection without considering where it might lead.

Signs that your former friend may have had issues with anger, jealousy or depression:

•    When you were out together, your friend often found problems with the restaurant server or waiter, the gas station attendant, or others you encountered, and made their displeasure known in a way that seemed rude, or at least seemed to be an overreaction. This could mean they had a lot of irrational anger that they had a hard time keeping in check.

•    When you received text messages, phone calls or attention from other people, your friend became angry or upset, taking it as a sign that you weren’t as devoted to them as you should have been. (This can happen in friendships as well as romances.) This could mean that your friend suffered from insecure attachment, an unreasonable sense of possessiveness, or both, prompting them to feel excessively threatened by your connections with other people.

•    Your friend regularly turned down your invitations and ideas for fun things to do together. Alternatively, your friend rarely laughed at your jokes, at funny films, or at funny situations you experienced together. This could mean that depression was affecting their ability to relax and have a good time.

•    When you got together or spoke on the phone, your friend tended to have more complaints about life than positive comments; they might have griped about anything from traffic to customer service, to their health, to other relationships they were involved in, and more. This could mean they had a generally negative, pessimistic or depressive outlook on life, which might have proven emotionally tiring for you over time.

•    When your friend spoke about their problems or about previous relationships that had failed, they always blamed someone else, rarely taking any responsibility of their own. This could mean they were incapable of viewing their own choices and behavior with any level of clarity or honesty, which likely persisted through their relationship with you.

•    Whenever you and your friend argued or disagreed, they rarely apologized, instead finding ways to make you feel guilty, wrong or otherwise responsible. This could mean that taking their fair share of responsibility for the conflict made your friend feel too vulnerable or threatened, so they twisted reality in order to blame you instead.